Shark Tank

FRAMINGHAM (02/25/2000) - LAW & ORDER A Southwestern city's police department contracts in 1989 for a records management system. Two years later it finally arrives - in perniciously nonrunning condition. Swat Team after Swat Team is sent in to debug the system and get it running. No joy. Finally it's "start over again," says a pilot fish who lasted 10 months on the project himself. And who's on the street after this fiasco? The longtime manager in charge "has been promoted to captain level, with back pay and a cell phone," says pilot fish.

"I'm retiring."

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT Renegade hacker turned law-abiding security consultant is minding his home network and finds he's being scanned. Follows the hacker's trail to the firewall at local law offices. "You've got a security problem," the ex-hacker fish tells the firm, explaining someone must have cracked the law firm's network and used it as a base of attack. The firm's partners say they're gung ho to fix the problem. A tech in the trenches eventually tells pilot fish the solution the partners decided on: change phone numbers and passwords. "Do you think it's going to help?" asks the fish.

"Nope," says the tech. Now they won't even return the fish's calls.

RULES OF THE GAMES No games is the policy at one big consulting outfit. IT blocks employee access to Web game sites. Even sends around a "hysterical e-mail every six months about not going to nonbusiness Web sites," reports a pilot fish. Funny, though - the company intranet has several such links to visit during off hours.

E-COMMERCE server is so pokey, the bosses are ready to move it offshore. Pilot fish head-butts vendors, adds specialty hardware and squeezes out a 60% improvement. "Ahem," says pilot fish to brass. "What about a simple thank-you?"

"Didn't Mary [in some other department] say that?" brass responds. "Mary's not my supervisor," our fish points out. Result: Pilot fish has been reassigned.

Sharky hears that a big cell phone maker is having trouble in its new offices.

The reflective window coatings there are supposed to keep out too-bright sun, but they also block wireless communications. They'll end up installing repeater devices just to be able to use their own products. Repeat something to me: sharky@computerworld.com. Get it by wire every day: computerworld.com/sharky.

If it prints, you get a Shark shirt.

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